God > everything.
September08,2011 and on .
"I'm gonna make a mark on tomorrow
not my wrist"
The only way to find love is to stop looking.
God has plans higher than our own . August21,2011
You’re looking for a soldier
Who’ll stay and fight.
Hold that gun high and proud.
But I’m the one who’d pull the trigger
You’re looking for safe ground
A place to rest your tired feet.
But every where I step
A crack in the pavement is made.
My feet is battle scarred by the bits of brokenness I’ve walked on.
You can train me up for battle
As hard as you want.
Put me through all the courses
Run all the laps needed
Make me to be the ideal fighting machine.
But as hard as I try
To stand my ground,
Someone always has the upper hand.
A bigger gun
I’m left for dead.
I’d sing you a song
But we’ve grown out of tune.
A simple melody we were
Basic notes strung together
In hope to be something beautiful.
But notes turned long
And the tempo changed
As we crescendoed toward the final measure.
I’d write you a story
Except the ending’s already here.
We were never a blank page from the start-
Already ink stained from the constant rewriting of our chapter.
We wrote and we wrote
Our pens gave out mid sentence one night
From all the
Scrawled out words
Crossed out mistakes
And unwritten secrets.
I’d paint you a picture
But the colors have run dry.
My palette of reds and blues and greens
Have mixed to a murky gray.
The paint brush has grown stiff in hand
As I stare at the mess I’ve made.
What used to be something wonderful
Has become a blur of
And “oh wells.”
Where there used to be a picture
Is now just an abstract version of
What could have been
Never will be.
(P.s. These feelings need to go away. Curse you, female high school hormones. Curse youuuuuu.)
I’m at war
I’d love to do this
But something tells me
To do that instead.
I need to stay here
But oh, how I wish
I could be over there.
I’d rather not feel this way
It seems much better to feel nothing
The heart is such a fickle thing.
Always certain about being uncertain.
My mind is just the same.
Always sure about being unsure.
Is telling me to
Keep pressing forward.
But then again-
I don’t know.
The spaces between our fingers feel i n f i n i t e
Even though you’re a mere an inch away.
But I guess that’s where we’ll always stand.
We’re just two puzzles pieces to the same picture
But not the right match.
You were a chest to be unlocked,
But I couldn’t be your key.
I opened my door to let you in,
But I don’t think you were so certain
On what to do.
Would it have been such a crime
To stay the night.
Whisper secrets while under 3am’s spell.
Tell the things we kept inside our guarded hearts.
Would it have been such an unthinkable thought
That second chances were possible
(Then it again it felt more like three).
It could have been different-
It would have been.
sweet pea, like they say
Not everything’s meant to be.
& one of those things apparently
Included you and me.
April 7, 2013
“Can someone be in a relationship without knowing God?” This question –a mere nine words- changed everything for me one day. It happened during the fall of my junior year while in high school. I was simply texting a friend of mine when he asked me that. I did not think much of it, because I had always heard the topic of love and God being intertwined. I told him what I had always known growing up. Everyone is capable of love, but when someone lacks the presence of God, he cannot experience true love. As the days followed after, my mind started to dwell on his question. Can someone be in a relationship without knowing God? Can someone love without knowing God?
I first talked to Miss Rachel about this topic. She responded with the same principles that I had thought of. Non-believers can experience love, but it is a twisted love. They cannot know true love, because they do not know God. She told me to check out I Corinthians 13:4-8. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails…” I personally have always known and loved this passage. I dream of it being said in my wedding one day. But something happened when I read it that day. Something changed. It was like some gears in my head started cranking and got myself thinking. What exactly was love?
I had always attributed love as that feeling you get when you are with that special someone. You know when you are love when you get that butterfly feeling every time he looks at you. You know that it is love when you feel safe in his presence. You know when it is love because he is your other half, and you have no idea what you would do without him! (Insert internal gag here). I based love on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. The media helped shaped my view of it as well. YouTube opened doors to hundreds of songs that reflected my feelings. Romantic comedies brought my hopes up for the perfect guy. Magazines and books said that it was completely fine to be single but showed that having a significant other made life a whole lot better.
Then it finally hit me. I had no idea what it meant to love someone. If I just took apart the passage in I Corinthians 13, I could already see it. “Love is patient.” I have no patience. I can only take so much from someone before I blow up. “Love is kind.” I have grown heartless after getting hurt so many times. I did not want to open up to anyone anymore. I needed to protect myself. “It does not envy.” I am a jealous person. “It does not boast.” I have my pride, and I do not like to bring it down some days. “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.” I am a very selfish person. I put my happiness before others because I cherish being happy. After all who doesn’t? “It is not easily angered.” I can be ticking time bomb if one pushes my buttons too much. “It keeps no record of wrongs.” Well, there is something that is hard to do. It is like the old saying. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I do not want to forget what others have done to me. It just gives them another opportunity to screw me over. To sum it all up, I had grown bitter towards the idea of love. To me it was just another way to get hurt.
Months went by as I grew conflicted over this area. I had so many questions yet no one to talk to. The only people I was open to about this stuff were in Utah. I did not think that anyone my age would understand what I was mulling over. I was not leaning towards talking to another adult because I felt like I was in some way or form be judged. Eventually I became open to talking to a few of my peers. I especially started talking to God more. I did not know what to do anymore. I was feeling helpless. How is it possible to love unconditionally when we as humans are so flawed? How could I when I was already so messed up in both the head and heart? I needed answers and started searching. I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I started listening more in church and school. I grew heavy with the burden of wanting to know the truth.
Fast forward to today. Today I know that the only way I can love is if I know Christ Jesus. “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (I John 4:7-8) I do not want to be satisfied with the distorted love that is portrayed on earth. I want to love like Christ. And now I do not even mean love like in a relationship; I mean it towards everyone. As believers God has called us to love others. That means the boy who broke your heart while in high school. That means the girl who hated you when you did nothing to her. That means the father who left you and your family all alone. That means every single person. Love is not easy. It is giving up yourself and living Christ out. It will involve sacrifice. It stops being about what I can get out of someone and turns into what can I do for someone else. I also have tried to use a relationship to fill the gap in my heart, but it has taken a long time to see that it was never meant to work. God opened my eyes to the reality that that gap can only be filled by Him and Him only. I am still learning what it means to love, but this time God is my example. Fall in love with God first, and then He will bring the right person to you. The relationship that you have with Him will and forever will be the most important one that you will ever have.
I used to write about you
Like you were the back of my hand.
Didn’t have to think twice
Or wonder about what words to use.
But now I can’t even put two and two together.
God doesn’t give us pain to hurt us, God gives us pain so we can conquer it, learn from it, and be our best because of it. Try not to let any type of pain keep you down. Physical, emotional, mental, psychological, etc., it doesn’t matter. They are a gift from God. Stay strong, push through. The winner in the end will be you.
I love when you become so close with someone that you can see parts of each other in one another and you begin to say the same things and steal lines from one another and have a similar sense of humor and can exchange an inside joke with just a glance you don’t even have to talk because you have such a strong connection with them and you can sit in comfortable silence but also talk for hours it’s really hard to find that kind of compatibility
Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five (via dumbdemigods)